I’ll just say it out of the gate in case you don’t have time to read it all. Because if you’re reading this in December, chances are you’re super busy, or (like me) you’re serving your sick family while you yourself feel sick. Your most underestimated tool as an overstimulated mom is co-regulation.
Co-regulation Basics
Have you heard of co-regulation before? Maybe it just makes you feel guilty or like there’s one more box to check to be a “good mom” if you want your child to not grow up with anxiety or anger issues.
If you have, you’ve probably heard people talk about how you as the mom are supposed to help your kids with their “big feelings” by use of co-regulation. At best, you might walk away thinking, “OK, well I just need to try to somehow be the cool, calm, and collected adult while my kid loses it, right?”
Well, kind of.
But it’s really so much more (and maybe actually a little simpler) than that.
Co-regulation is a dynamic, interactive, supportive process.
–Maureen Salamon, Harvard Health
Co-regulation is that unspoken connection with another person, the sense of belonging and felt safety. The video below briefly exlains the concept of co-regulation.
Our nervous system is searching for this sense of safety whether we realize it or not, scanning our environment for a signals of safety (neuroception) . If you want to understand more about the nervous system, read my post about polyvagal theory. When we are in a stressed state, our pre-frontal cortex that usually reasons and calls the shots isn’t functioning at its best. So trying to reason our way out of stress responses or problem-solve what to do… not so much.
Cue mirror neurons, to the rescue!
Ever feel like your mood is contagious? You know, mom sets the tone and all?
Or maybe that ONE kid’s sour attitude affects the whole family that day?
That’s because emotions really are contagious.
You probably know that and maybe you feel a lot of guilt because your response when you’re overstimulated has been less ideal than you’d like, but here’s the kicker:
YOU have mirror neurons, too. So…
Co-regulation is FOR overstimulated moms, too.
Here’s what I mean:
Other people’s care, support, and positive emotions can positively affect YOU, too. No need to be all negative about co-regulation.
How It Looked for Me This Week
As I said, my family has been sick for almost a month, with about 7 days in the clear. This week, it’s a stomach virus that it seems our whole homeschool co-op shared. Fun times.
Once we realized how many families were impacted, we would ping the group message and check on each other, even just doing a count to know who all was down. While I wouldn’t wish the virus on anyone, it also felt good to know we weren’t alone.
This evening between sick kids, my closest friend and I had a (very short) phone call. We’d been texting, but there’s something about hearing the voice that does more for our nervous system, even for this introvert. My family seems to be on the mend quicker, so I ran some meds and a candy bar to my dear pregnant friend whose 5 kids and husband are all sick… porch drop off, of course. But I did see her sweet, tired face, and that’s even better for our nervous system.
I went from feeling alone and somehow singled out to the pit of December doom to feeling hopeful and “in the trenches” with a comrade.
That interaction perfectly illustrates the polyvagal theory understanding of co-regulation and signals of safety.
Three things directly related to social interaction can directly affect our sense of safety, including:
- Voice tone
- Facial expression
- Hand movements
In short, even science shows that more personal our interactions can be, the better:
In person, face-time, voice, then text.
One of the best things about it is that it’s not a skills that I have to remember and rehearse like some of the tools I’ve learned with nervous system regulation.
Conclusion
No matter which way you seek connection, seek it. Meaningful connection with others can help YOU co-regulate through your own hard times, not just your kids. This is important as moms and definitely as homeschool moms…and especially as moms who can get overstimulated easily. Seeking some peace and quiet can lead to isolation, causing us to miss out on the massive benefits of relationships.
People are so worried about our kids’ social skills, they don’t realize how alone we feel sometimes.
At times, the burden of mom guilt that we feel as overstimulated moms can leave us feeling like we can’t share our true struggles when others seem to have it all together. If you need support, join us in the facebook support group here as we encourage each other.